Make it go away

So I'm currently in Chicago, as I am for every Christmas now to see my family. And seeing my grandma who has just gone through her first round of chemo. She's tiny. She's frail. She's started to lose her hair. All she wants to do is sleep because those dang drugs make her so tired. But whatever the doctor is concocting with those drugs, it's working. She started with 8900 cancer cells. (the normal for everybody is 35). Her doctor hoped she would at least cut that number in half, so about 4500. She had her tests done, and she's downto 890. 8.9.0. The big man has been hearing my prayers. I couldn't be happier for her.

But it's still hard to watch her go through this. Though she's getting better, I still want to make it all go away.

She took off her hat, and she was afraid that she'd scare my brother and I. My dad said, "I'm bald, does that mean you love me any less than if I had hair?" and she said, "well no." So my dad kissed her on the head and said, "so we love you, hair or no hair."

We try to make it a light hearted subject for her. We all said we should go grab all the wigs and take a picture with her. My family tries to do what we can to make her feel okay. I love that.


Sincerely,
This would happen

How could I ever.

I hear wheat some people go through, and it's like, how could I ever complain about anything, when I've never had to go through anything like that?

This would happen

I really should be more grateful.

So this year's Christmas went better than expected. I didn't really ask for much, but still got things that I like. Mostly clothes. I got to spend time with probably my two favorite cousins, they're hilarious, and they don't even try to be. They're 14 and 10. Man do I love 'em.

I'm really grateful for this Christmas, though it didn't go as we all thought it would. None of us expected to find out my grandma has cancer, and nobody thought my dad wouldn't get his Christmas bonus. Which, usually, pays for just about our whole Christmas.

But although I'm really grateful for everything, I feel as if I'm not grateful enough. Sometimes, I don't realize all that I really do have in my life. I mean, I have parents who love me and want the best for me. They push me and do the best they can to make me happy. Although we aren't super wealthy, they do the best they can with the money we have. I have a roof over my head, a house that my parents spent years working for. I have a brother who would do anything to protect me. I have a best friend who's always there for me. I get an education that most people would never have the opportunity to receive. I think sometimes I take things for granted, and I really need to start recognizng this. Because all of these things, are things I could never be grateful enough for, things I could never thank my parents enough for. I need to be more grateful.

Sincerely,
This would happen

Finally a good night

So tonight, I went to nightstorm with some of my friends from grade school. I've been super stressed out because of finals and family stuff, so it was a great way to forget all about it for a couple hours.

Dancing is probably one of the best ways for me to forget about everything. When a song plays, especially one of my favorite dancing songs, nothing can stop me. I go crazy (in a good way...) and just dance my heart out until my quads can't take it anymore. Which happened various times tonight.

And what made it even better is that I met a cute guy. :) some may call me boy crazy (*cough*aj*cough*), and that may be a true statement, but... When you go to school with people of only the female persuasion, it's nice to meet a cute guy. ;)

Sincerely,
This would happen <3

Not again.

The worst four words you could hear when they're talking about somebody you love, "so and so has cancer." your stomach drops. Your heart races. You feel as if you've gone numb. Your words choke in your mouth, before you even try to say them. Cancer. It's a scary word. Cancer: 1. a malignant and invasive growth or tumor, especially one originating in epithelium, tending to recur after excision and to metastasize to other sites.

My grandma has cancer. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to think. I just want her to be okay. I love her so much, and I'm going to have to see her go through this. I'm going to have to see her with no hair. I'm going to have to hear her talk about chemo. That's something I never wanted to hear anyone in my family ever say. 

She talked about it like it was no big deal. That she would just go through the chemo and hopefully it'll work. I admire her for that, because here I am bawling my eyes out at the thought of her having to go through this. Ovarian cancer. She's already had cancer before, but it was breast cancer. But because she has gone through breast cancer, she was more likely to get ovarian cancer. Why. Why does she have to go though this, twice.

As if it's not hard enough that this year we also found out she has Alzheimer's. But now this too.

I know she'll get through this, I know it's not terminal. But that doesn't change my feelings on this. I seriously love her so much, she understands me like nobody else does in my family. I don't want to see her go through this.

I'm going to pray with all my heart to the big guy that she gets better as soon as she can. I want my Memaw Shirley to be healthy and cancer free. She's a strong woman, and I know she'll get though it will all the support in the world. <3

This would happen

Dear future boyfriend

I could really use you right now. I'm feeling a little lonely here tonight.

Again? :/

And yet again, another teenage death. Well the guy who tried to commit suicide didn't succeed thank god, but he's still not doing the best. But I actually knew the girl this time. I took dance with her and her younger sister when I was in fifth grade. I didn't realize it until I saw a picture on her Facebook of when she was a little girl.

I feel it every time something happens to a teenager, something inside of me just aches for them, because I relate it to myself. I think about how much life I have ahead of me, how much I'm looking forward to college, and then starting a career and eventually starting a family. <3 I think about how they'll never live to experience any of those things.

I was talking to somebody about the accident, and he said "it's sad, but it was their own fault." I couldn't find the words to explain how I felt at that moment. "it was their fault." sure, it wasn't the smartest decision, but saying that's not going to change anything. It's not going to change the fact that our community has lost yet another teen and 2 others are in critical condition. It doesn't change anything.

I cry every time I hear about something like this, regardless if I know them or not. With everything that's been happening lately, I just want you to know, I love you all. And please please please, for the love of god, be safe. <3

Sincerely,
This would happen

Already?!

... Mid quarters are already due on Wednseday. I thought the quarter just started... Help me.

This would happen.

Why?

Last night, one of my best friend's friend tried to commit suicide. He tried to shoot himself. I was bawling my eyes out, and I don't even know the poor kid. All I could think about was, what's so bad in your life that you think killing yourself is the answer? It just breaks my heart hearing about teen suicide. I cry every.single.time. You have so much to live for, you're not getting rid of the pain, you're passing it on to those that love you.

I kept refreshing his Facebook wall, seeing everybody's support and prayers for him to make it through. Everybody, even people that don't know him, had him in their prayers. The power of prayer. <3

But this morning during work study, I couldn't get it off my mind; it's all I could think about. I kept thinking about how hard it would be to lose someone, especially somebody your age, because they felt there was no other way out. And what if you could have done something, but you didn't? These are the questions that haunt me when something happens like this.

I checked Facebook during a break, and I read that he got out of surgery and was alive and breathing. Thank you God, for hearing our prayers and saving someone who has so much life ahead of him. I truly do believe in the power of prayer. <3

Sincerely,
This would happen

I know I'm a teenager, but......

I know I'm a teenager, but teenagers piss me off sometimes. There's only so many things our contemporaries are worried about: drinking, drugs, "getting some," and gossiping. It's more of a general statement, but pretty much every person you know is worried about one of these four things.

 I'm just wondering when people are going to start worrying about things other than themselves. The world revolves, but it doesn't revolve around you. There's what, at least 6 billion other people in this world, and you can only think about yourself? You don't need to worry about who's dating who, or who made out with who last weekend. What she wore at that party. Everything like that.

What about all the people who need help in the world? Does that ever cross your mind? Because it crosses my mind all the time. I have plans for my future to do everything I can to help people. I'm determined. But all you can think about is how drunk you're going to get this weekend. It's a shame, really. When are you going to stop only thinking about yourself and open your eyes to everybody else in the world?

Sincerely,
This would happen

Confidence? Not anymore.

So today was the day for parent teacher conferences, which are usually fairly good for me. Most teachers don't hate me, I'm not doing terrible in any classes. So I figured they'd be pretty good. Well my parents got home (it's their anniversary today...) and they weren't the happiest to say the least. They think I could be doing a lot better than I am, which I'm doing perfectly fine for how hard it is. My dad said, "Courtney, I'm proud of what you're doing,must I just think you could do better." never good enough for you mom and dad, am I?

But my math teacher, whom I dearly love, said that its like all my math confidence has been sucked right out of me. Well, I hate to say it, but it's true. And I know who to blame that on; the teacher that everybody thinks is the sweetest lady ever, who's been teaching at my school for 30+ years. My old geometry teacher. She constantly threatened to move me out of honors and always made me retake my tests. So I felt like I wasn't good at math, and I can honestly blame that woman. So math confidence is no longer present within me. Thanks.

Sincerely,
This would happen

...you're kidding me.

Imagine the situation: you met a new guy a couple weeks ago. hes cute. hes tall. hes nice. hes sweet. everything like that. then this week (more so tonight..) you decide to hang out at the dance that just happens to be at his school! great right? so you get to the dance with your best friend, and you can't find him (probably because I'm so short I can't see over people..). so you text him up and ask him if he's there. well turns out he's there on the dance floor. you make your way around, dancing, so you dont look like a total outcast, and then you see a tall guy. he turns around and then BAM! it's him. your best friend leads you over to him and he looks happy to see you. you start dancing and talking and smiling and all that fun stuff. and then a girl from your school comes over. and she starts talking to him. and won't leave. so you awkwardly stop dancing, slowly, and graudally walk away thinking, "...you're kidding me." and feeling terrible. oh the lovely high school life.

sincerely,
This would happen

Old people are what make the world go round.

So today my service class walked right over to none other than our neighbors, via christe. I take my first steps in there and it is just the cutest little place ever! There's a little bar, an ice cream parlor, a workout room, and a little beauty shop. Just the definition of adorable. I walked last this lady and smiled and she said, "were so happy you ladies are here, you cheer us up." and at that point my heart just melted. Why are old people so dang cute?!

After talking with some older ladies, one of them being 101 years old, I decided that this is where I will probably be spending some of my frees this year. Old people are what make the world go round, they're just so full of wisdom of everything in life, and I greatly appreciate them.

Sincerely,
This would happen

Guess we were wrong.

Today at lunch I was telling people how confident I was in believing that today would be volleyball conge for jv. Everything added up wonderfully: one hour practice, the freshman swingers were required to be at practice, and th varsity swingers had jv practice. We don't have practice Thursday, and varsity swingers have varsity practice Friday. So it seemed fit for the occasion. By the way, varsity conge was yesterday.

The whole team was in high hopes for this practice to be quite breezy... Only to have practiced the whole time; with no conge. Our lovely coach (I say lovely with COMPLETE sarcasm) probably thinks we don't deserve it. Which we totally do. We ran over a mile at practice yesterday just to please her little witchy (replaced with a b) self.

We can only hope right? But I guess we were wrong.

Sincerely,
This would happen

I guess this is it...

well yet again, i have a british literature essay to do. this time, over no other than Pride and Prejudice. esay enough because it's a good book, right? wrong. completely and utterly wrong. maybe it would have been helpful if i had actually read the book... other than the 3 chapters dantron read in class..whoopsies. I was too busy trying to live a teenage life. live? maybe thats not exactly the word. felt more like dying. doing numerous math problems that made my mind go blank, looking at chemistry models that fly right over my head. and not to mention doing a project for lovely old opinionated hair. (its not hard to figure out who that is...)

i guess i should actually try to figure out what im doing for this essay, other than sitting here contemplating whether to put if off until tomorrow, which turns into the next day, and the next... until i have to do it the night before. so here goes nothing.

i guess this is it... screwing over my second quarter grade when the second quarter has just started today.

Sincerely,
This would happen

Society? Screw their ideas.

This past week I've been struggling with the way I look. Feeling like make up is a pure necessity and not being able to leave the house with out attempting to look perfect. Seeing these stick thin volleyball players eat like there's no tomorrow, but never gaining an ounce. Going shopping but coming home wanting to starve myself because clothes just don't fit how I want them to, or look how I think they should look, more so society how society thinks they should look.

So this is me saying screw what everybody else thinks about how I should look. I'll look how I want to, and I'm beautiful despite if I have make up on, or my hair done. Im beautiful in every way, because the size of jeans I wear doesn't define me or who I am.

Let go of your insecurities and just be yourself.

This is what's going to help me through: http://theloveyourselfchallenge.tumblr.com/

Sincerely,
This would happen
(but it's a positive thing)

I've been sitting here for awhile now...

Last Friday night, yes, I did just quote a Katy Perry song, but by no means was my Friday night like the one in the song. It was a lot better, and I was sober, just throwing that out there. My best friend, ginger snap, and I decided to go ice skating, like we used to in 7th grade. We planned to meet up with a friend of ours there, hoping he'd bring some of his cute friends ;) (what can I say, it was the first time I'd put make up on in awhile, and it wasn't going to go to waste.) we thought the plan was to meet there at 730.. There was a slight misunderstanding. Je oy didn't show up until 9. Ginger snap wasn't too happy at this point in time, so we took it slow going outside to see them. Ice skating wasn't even a possibility at this point anymore. We walk outside. I was thinking, "I've been sitting here for awhile.." and as I look up and see Je oy and this mysterious friend of his. And then I thought "which is totally okay." because Jey oy's friend was... Oh he was something else. He was absolutely adorable, not in the "awwwh that little puppy is so adorable!", but in the oh-you-are-just-so-cute-and-adorable,-come-home-with-me. That kind of way. Je oy introduced us, I'll call him mm boy. At first he got ginger snap and I mixed up, so I commented "mm boy you got us mixed up!" and he replied with "haha oh my bad" with this cute smile that lit up the nearly blackened night.

Mm boy, please don't be like other guys.

Sincerely,
This would happen